Raw Mop Up
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This column is not intended for people under the age of 18, do not read further if you are not over the age of 18.
This column is a warped piece of stream-of-consciousness #*$@ that NOBODY is supposed to take seriously unless I make it clear to do so otherwise. In fact, the biggest target in my Mop-Ups is, has been, and always will be....me! I have portrayed myself, at one time or another, as a Racist, Anti-Semite, Girl hater, Girl beater, Self Involved, Self Pitying, Ego Maniacal, Ex-Convict, Homophobic, xxxxx, Small Pee Peed, Sexually Ambiguous, Alcoholic, A-Hole ...AND THIS IS A WRESTLING COLUMN!!!!!!!
Moral of the story.....this is the dumbest column alive....don't be dumber by taking it seriously.
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Let’s just swing right into it. Time’s a’wastin’....the Closer’s a’waiting.
RAW IS WAR: (or: Now they have a female character traumatized by a possibly rape...and they say I’M bad?)
-Something MIGHT have happened before the...
-opening theme
-but I was too captivated by the NWO’s interview segment to notice. They are so...so....EVIL.
-well...that and I was doing a #2....a monster one at that....it was so...so....SMELLY.
-opening theme, HHH and Stephanie’s image has been re-replaced by HHH alone with his hands pushing down the bottom ropes. I guess the shot of the two lovebirds wasn’t nearly as ACTION PACKED as they would have hoped. It must have also explained the ratings drop last week. (ahh..so that’s why Nitro bumped up almost a full ratings point)
-Fireworks, screaming marks....lots of signs.
-The are in Greensboro, North Carolina. If you look VERY carefully, you might see Ric Flair deep in the back...very deep, holding up a sign that reads, "WILL WORK AN ANGLE WITH THE ROCK FOR FOOD...AND BLEACH." Next to him, Arn Anderson is holding up a sign that reads, "MY ARMS ARE LOCKED IN THIS POSITION NOW...SOMEBODY HELP ME!"
-Jim Ross welcomes us to the "Last RAW of the Century!!". They plan on re-running this entire show at this same date next year....keep the anal retentive happy.
-Wonder why Schiavone never announced that this is the last NITRO of the century? Perhaps he knows only too well that Nitro never really seems to end?
-Ross, "And King, I’ve got a feeling that this is going to be another Hellaciously WILD ride again tonight!!" Name me ONE OTHER PERSON who uses the word "Hellaciously"...HE JUST MADE THAT WORD UP!!!!!!!
-A voice over the mic..."Are You Ready?"....hold on, let me put on some pants.
-Degeneration X came out. Stephanie McMahon Helmsley is with them too.
-Their pictures are placed up on either side of the screen. I sit mesmerized by the huge snot sitting pretty in 3H’s left nostril. Jeeze....and that ain’t no studio apartment. It even had room to put up a little Christmas tree.
-X-Pac was there...effectively ENDING the NASTY INTERNET RUMORS that he was dismissed and would be appearing on Nitro...
-What do you mean "what rumors"? The rumor I just started right here.
-HHH welcomed us the the Last RAW of the Millennium...IT’S NOT 2001 YET DAMMIT!!!! STOP TRYING TO SELL MISGUIDED INFORMATION!!!! OOO THAT DRIVES ME ABSOLUTELY BERSERK!!!!!!
-HHH says that the last thousands years didn’t matter one bit....what DOES matter is right here..right now!!!! With DX RUNNING the company! (I believe the Bible agrees....there’s a passage there somewhere in the back....)
-HHH says that everything is NEARLY perfect, there is just one little thing left to accomplish....(what? World peace? Global unity? a Perpetual motion machine? A nose job? WHAT?)
-Of course..it’s getting the World title back around his waist. ‘cause the Big Show ain’t lighting up the company.
-So tonight, the Big Show will be stepping into the ring with the "singest.....is that a word? The SINGLE, GREATEST ATH-A-LETE OF ALL TIMEAAA! YOU WILL STEP INTO THE RINGAA WITH THE GAMEAAA" (sigh)
-Of course, getting el strapo will finally completo el strategio.
-Then Stephanie had something to say. Mostly that she was a McMahon and she KEEPS HER WORD....
-Fans call her a "Slut"....Ross’s humble upbringing wouldn’t allow him to repeat it...Lawler had no excuse.
-Stephanie said that Kane was to face X-Pac tonight...X-Pac was SHOCKED!!! SHOCKED, I TELL YA’
-Then Stephanie said that even though the McMahon family keeps it’s word, she was FORCED to break it when it came to Mick Foley at Smackdown....then started in on how Wrestling does NOT cater to Unionization....(they really could though....if Goldberg, Austin, the Rock, Nash, Van Dam, HHH, Hogan, Flair, Sting, Jericho....if EVERYONE banded together....they could do it...I’LL SHOW YOU HOW MY BROTHERS!!!! MEET ME AT MY PLACE!!!!! SATURDAY NIGHT, 7PM!!!! I’LL BRING THE FOOD, YOU BRING THE COKE!!!!!!!!!
-HHH got back on and said that it’s better to be WITH us than against us..then gave everyone 4 weeks to join their side....thus completely RIPPING OFF (MY GOD!!) Bischoff’s first NWO speech many, many years ago.
-Mankind/Mick Foley/Scrubby beardo came out...and told HHH that there will be NO Unionizing, NO rabble rousing, NO mutiny....no...he’s all by himself tonight..(Damn him....one best selling book and he’s already betraying his brothers.)
-Foley had some points to make. One can only pray he words them properly enough to fit into the allotted time this opening segment is set to take. How embarrassing would it be if they go to commercials mid-speech.
-His first point is that he USED to think DX was...well....pretty cool...(I did too..then that Hogan got involved and *splunk*...straight down the crapper)
-In fact, one year ago, it was DX’s shoulders that needed some MAJOR Ben Gay after carrying Foley’s ample tuckus around the ring as the new WWF champion...(that was a great moment...one that Tony Schiavone STILL hasn’t lived down)
-BUT..they are not "cool" anymore. They are now COWARDS....IMMATURE, SPITEFUL, COWARDS!!!!! (is he talking to them or me?)
-To Road Dog, he asked him how it feels to be one of the most entertaining, most creative S.O.Bs in this company..only to have his ENTIRE ACT stolen from his loser brother!!!
-To Billy Gunn, he said that "Mr. A$$" should NOW be called "Mr. A$$ki$$er"
-To X-Pac he said that....that....oh it’s not that important.
-Foley entered the ring....which is pretty much the same thing as John Rocker walking into a Harlem Bar singing the theme to "The Dukes of Hazard" on Karaoke
-Foley says that DX will be dumped the second HHH wins the strap, because he "truly does not give a damn about YOU" (Road Dogg), "He does not give a damn about YOU" (Bad Arse), "and I don’t think ANY of us gives a damn about YOU!!" (X-Pac..to a humorous pop).
-Then he referenced The Godfather when talking to Stephanie...doesn’t take a Mensa member to figure out HOW he referenced him.
-Obviously, Foley was attacked.
-The Rock ran out and cleaned house. 6 months ago, that would have been Austin. 6 months ago, I could have said the word "xxxxx".
-HHH ran up the ramp, had a mic, and screamed, "I’M SICK OF THIS."....then pounded on the mic to see if it was working, then repeated, "I’M SICK OF THIS!!! THAT’S IT!" (ak..I hate it when the stick to the script word for word)
-At Stephanie’s behest, he bellowed that Mankind and the Rock will fight in a "Pink Slip Match"...where the person who grabs the Pink Slip, which shall be hoisted on a poll, will get to stay in the company. The loser will be fires and have to suffer through a multi-million dollar contract with WCW, complete with a lighter schedule. (Reality check: If this was real life, it would be a 10 hour match with both men standing in the middle of the ring waiting for the other one to get sick of waiting and grabbing the slip)
-HHH ended this by saying that they have two words for one of them...Stephanie joined in and they both yelled, "YOU’RE FIRED!!"....you could barely hear Stephanie...the girl simply has GOT to learn that "projection" does NOT mean sticking her chest out.
-Ross did what Ross does....register his complete outrage and act like they are about to cure Cancer....then we are shuttled off to the night’s first set of...
-commercials...That TitanTron Live thing is a good idea...notice they NEVER show the kids actually PLAYING with the dolls? Let’s face it...they ARE dolls.
-Outside, Kane is pacing, Ross says he’s waiting for Torrie....I say he’s waiting for Dominoes ("If that punk doesn’t get here within 30 minutes, I will cast his soul into HELL!"....of course...compared to actually working at Dominoes...Hell might be considered a step UP)
-Last week..stuff happened.
-Chyna came out with Miss Kat....she looked MUCH hotter last week when she was giving Jericho those "F-Me" eyes.
-The called out Crash Holly....wanting to set an example as to what happens when you "talk trash behind Chyna’s back"...personally, there are one or two OTHER things that I’d rather do if I was behind Chyna’s back...none of which involves pants.
-Hardcore and Crash Holly come out...I still love that perpetually bemused look Hardcore always has on his face.
-I sit here...truly amazed that I managed to make use of the word "perpetual" TWICE in one column...I don’t think I’ve EVER used that word in here before.
-I sit here..truly embarrassed that I was truly amazed that I managed to make use of the word "perpetual" TWICE in one column.
-Something on "Smackdown" started this blood feud. I was busy watching Thunder.
-Hardcore joins the announce team as Crash goes right after Chyna. Hardcore confessed that Chyna told him that she wished she had a man as handsome as he is. (Although, to be honest, she MIGHT have said "was" instead of "had" and Hardcore misunderstood)
-Chyna does that double cartwheel into the corner. I can do that move one handed...so there.
-Ross announced that Torrie has JUST arrived....(ooo...Kidman’s gonna be PISSED!)
-Chyna secured the pinfall cleanly. Hardcore said that if it were HIM in there....blah blah blah. Then left the Announce table and started laughing at crash....God Bless Hardcore Holly.....PUSH HIM TO THE MOON!!!
-backstage, Torrie was hugging Kane...and feeling up his biceps (tramp)! She sat him down and confessed that she had a WONDERFUL weekend!!!!! X-Pac was a PERFECT Gentleman....and he scores the SMOOTHEST cocaine she’s ever SNORTED!! (No, no, no......I kid..I’m a kidder).
-Torrie said she stayed to "honor Kane’s commitment"....let’s get something straight here....Torrie is NOT Sarah Jessica Parker, Kane is NOT Nicholas Cage (of course..he COULD be Nick under that mask), and X-Pac for DAMN sure ain’t Jimmy Caan....
-commercials
-During the break, Torrie had a psychological breakdown when approached by Test....Test busted a little Canadian move on us and asked, "What was that all ‘aboot’?" (My God...NOT HIM TOO?????)
-The Mean Street Posse was in the ring...Pete Gass was the guest time keeper...Joey Abs was the guest referee, and Rodney was the guest ring announcer.
-Rodney snagged the mic and announced that this was a special "4 Corners" match.
-He introduced the Godfather and D-Lo Brown.....calling D-Lo a "rubberneck?
-GF and DL came out with some babes.....oh yeah, they were hot..not as hot as MELA...but hot enough.
-The Dudley Boys were intro’ed. Rodney riffed on Buh-Buh’s stuttering. If this was ECW, Rodney would be getting his own head shoved up his own arse by Spike Dudley...(now THAT’S embarrassing....has it occurred to ANYONE that Spike’s involvement in wrestling is supposed to represent the ULTIMATE gag)
-Did you know Spike Dudley lives within walking distance from my house? I would have tried to get an exclusive interview with him, but that would mean I’d actually have to LEAVE my house.
-Edge and Christian came out from the crowd...much like Wolverine....NOBODY knows who they are....only that they have funky hair, one name, and are Canadian....oh..and where Wolvie has Adamantium Claws, Edge has a Titanium Pe***s....Christian has a couple of fillings..but that’s it.
-Then Rodney intro’ed the Acolytes....there is no reason why the Mean Streeters are there....Hell, there is no reason why the Mean Streeters were in the Company.
-If they jumped to WCW, would they be hooked up with Virgil?
-It’s a Four Corner WAR!!!!!!!!!!!!! And for the first time EVER..in a wrestling ring..the number of black talent is equal to the number of white.....THE FUTURE IS NOW!!!!!!!
-Ross assured us that this is NOT an Elimination match...one fall takes all.
-The Mean Streeters attack Bradshaw....then Abs does a fast 3 count and one of the Dudley’s pinned Faarooq....Edge and Christian did NOTHING....except flipped their luxurious hair.
-Bradshaw ran in with a chair and the Acolytes cleaned house.
-backstage, Torrie confessed to Kane that Test "touched" her...and "said things to meeee"...(DAMN that Canadian accent...it’s ABOWT!!!! ABOWT!!!! A-BOWT!!!!!..NOT "aboot"....a "boot" is a friggin SHOE!!!!!!!!)
-"Kane..he VIOLATED me!"
-Kane hugged Torrie...looked up at the ceiling, and yelled, "AHHHHHHHHHHHHH"....for that reason ALONE!!! I’m giving the Night to Nitro
-commercials
-"La Femme Nikita" is about to return......commie BI**CH!!!!!
-Steph and Hunt talk up HHH’s match tonight.....and they also decide that Curt Angle should start jobbing out just like everyone else (except for Goldberg, of course...NOBODY BEATS GOLDBERG!!!! NOBODY!!!!!! HE IS OUR HERO!!!!!)
-Then Kane and Torrie charge in...Kane grunts, "IIIIII WAAAAANT TEEEEEST!!" HHH waved his hand across his face and shot back, "Phew, maybe you’d want some Breath Assure too dude...."
-HHH booked the match on the spot....
-Curt Angle came out....and cut off whatshername......he discussed his three "I"s. He also said that Greensboro isn’t home to the most "Intelligent people in the world"....(oddly enough, that honor goes to Boise, Idaho...go figure)
-BUT...Angle said he could still work with the people...so long as they focus on the other two "I"s....NO...NOT "Incest" and "Inbreeding" either!...So STOP IT!!
-The Headbangers came out wearing fake boobs....Ross applauded their "alternative lifestyle"....
-It’s a Handicapped match.....because HHH wanted Angle defeated...
-Steve Blackman came out and interferred....Angle ended up winning....The Headbangers ended up retaining their title of "Most Pointless Reunion in Wrestling History"
-After the match, the ‘bangers doubleteamed Angle.
-backstage, HHH whined about Angle....Stephanie was pleased.
-commercials
-Michael Cole talked to Mankind. Foley whined about this Pink Slip silliness....but he was still going to give it all he’s got! What a TROOPER!!!!!!!!
-Al Snow came out....and demanded that they cut his damn MUSIC!!
-He claimed that he was NOT there for "our entertainment!!" (hasn’t been a problem so far)...no, he was there because he’s been in the business for 17 years.....17 years FILLED with compromises.....17 years of NOT seeing his children grow up.....17 years of being away from his lonely wife 200 days a year...
-And NOW...he’s losing his best friend....for who? For US?? For a bunch of...of....oh F-It....
-He hints that he is now SHOOTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He HATES each and every one of US!!!!!!
-Y2J ticker comes on....pop city baby
-explosion....
-theme music
-There he is....all the mismanagement of the world ain’t gonna stop his popularity!
-He welcomes us to "RAW is JERICHOOOO"
-He had some advice for Al Snow and his dissing of all these "Jerichoholics"...and that is...shut the Hell UP!
-He said that they will FINALLY be talking about Al Snow tomorrow....the night that Al Snow was BRUTALLY beaten by the "Ayatollah of Rock and Rolla"...
-Snow and Jericho had a good match...two seasoned vets who love what they do...
-Chyna ran in and gave Al Snow "Head"....Lawler was taken aback after Ross made that quote.
-Snow ended up winning by DQ.....Chyna and the Kat walked away looking hornier than my Ex on Zoloft.
-Amy: I heard that, you limp d**ked lazy little a-hole! Why do you keep mentioning me? And who is this Mela B**CH?
-Hyatte: I KNEW YOU WERE LISTENING!!!! GET OFF MY COLUMN YOU SMELLY LITTLE C-WORD!!!! YOU WERE LIKE A DEAD FISH!!!!! MY GRNADMOTHER WAS MORE ACTIVE THAN YOU!!!!
Amy: How could I be active when I never FELT YOU!! YOU FLACCID PIECE OF SH***??? Still wasting money on VIAGRA???????
-Hyatte: GET OUT OF HERE!!!! YOU ARE OVER!!! HISTORY!!!!! I COULDN’T GET IT UP BECAUSE YOU MADE ME SICK!!!!!!
-Amy: I wish I NEVER MET YOU!!!! JULIO IS SO MUCH HOTTER THAN YOU!!!!
-Hyatte: GET RID OF THOSE HERPES YET???
-Julio: Hey ese!!! Yo tengo un lapiz, el lapiz es amarilla!!!!!
-Hyatte: STAY OUT OF THIS!!!!!! I’LL CALL INS SO FAST YOUR GREASY HEAD WOULD SPIN!!!
-Julio: Me bango yo’ chica real bueno, ese! Yo tengo un poco something for you too!
-Hyatte: GET OFF MY COLUMN!!!!!!!
-Amy: LOSER!!!!
-Man...I hate that chick.
-The Rock was backstage....safe bet HE’LL still be around after the show.
-commercials
-Backstage, Mark Henry convinced Harvey Whippleman do go out on a double date with Moolah and Mae Young. Moolah ended up putting him in a headlock. It only gets sicker from there.
-Mankind came out as the second hour begins.....here is the Pink Slip match...(if this was WCW, would it be called a "Fed Ex Package to your Hospital Bed" match?)
-The Rock came out....he had nothing to say...this is SERIOUS BUSINESS (*snore*)
-Foley went right for the Pink Slip....no dice
-Ross tried to explain that you have to GRAB the Pink Slip in order to NOT be fired...I SWEAR I heard him sigh from the illogic of that rule.
-Foley tried to get it again. The Rock pulled him off.
-The Rock tried to g for it...Al Snow ran in and clocked him with his Head.
-Snow tried to revive Foley. Mick staggered up and climbed the poll..
-Then he jumped down and attacked Snow...Ross, "Mick Foley doesn’t WANT IT THAT WAY!!!! HE DOESN’T WANT TO WIN LIKE THIS!!!!!!!" (moron)
-You know who would have taken FULL advantage of this? That’s right...the UNPREDICTABLE JOHNNY RODZ!!!!!!!!
-had to get that one in one last time...because this is..of course...the MILLENNIUM MOP-UP (of course...now I’m starting to wonder if this will ever see the light of Online day)
-Rocky hit the Rock Bottom.
-Foley pounded him in the corner
-They exchanged blows in the ring...
-Foley with the Double DDT....ten years ago, it would have finished it.
-Foley pulls out the Sock....Rocky eats it.
-Ross, "The ROCK IS FADING, THE ROCK IS FADING, THE ROCK IS DOWN, THE ROCK IS DOWN!!"
-Mankind climbed the poll...and ALMOST grabbed the Pink Slip.
-Rocky grabbed him....the jostled for position on the tope rope...(well...40\\% position...60\\% balance)
-The Rock tossed Foley’s head into the poll a couple of times.....
-Foley went down....Rocky grabbed the Pink Slip....THE ROCK IS FIRED!!!!!! THE ROCK IS FIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-oh...right...I forgot these f-ed up rules
-MICK FOLEY IS FIRED!!!! MICK FOLEY IS FIRED!!!!!!!!
-Rock stomped off.....this is NOT a happy day.
-Mankind stuck around....took a mic, and said that he was planning to retire anyway....so PFFFFFFFFFTH to you!!! NA NA NANA NAAAAAA
-Foley made a farewell speech......Jim Ross got all choked up. Lawler called them both a pair of "pu$$ies"
-Mick asked us to put an old Mick Foley match on the old VCR once in a while....just nothing from his WCW days...why give THEM any more money?
-After looking in the camera and mysteriously whispering, "UssoRay...ivegay emay a allcaaa", he wished us all a nice day and walked off. Nobody bothered to tell him that it was 10:00 at night.
-Mick walked off with his arm raised....much like Cactus jack did when HE gave his farewell speech a couple of years ago....WELCOME TO IRONY CITY BABY!!!!!!!!! or FORESHADOWING CITY BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-commercials
-Yes..they ARE live.
-Backstage, Mick hugged and wished luck to various younger talent.
-Val Venis came out with the Kat. Ross was still shaken....Lawler wanted to move ahead.
-This was the first ever Inter-gender four corners match.
-Jacqueline and Viscera came out. Answering the age old question: "Jacqueline is STILL with the company??"
-Prince Albert came out with Ivory......
-Gangrel came out with Luna....I should have put that Carnac bit in here...
-In fact...I will...it USED to be somewhere in the Jericho/Snow match....I have made a creative decision and moved it....HERE
-and so it began..
-In lieu of actually COVERING this match, how about we all get together and enjoy another installment of me ripping-off CARNAC!!!!!
-And now....once again...it’s time for a visit from a Visitor from the East. The All Knowing, All Omnipotent...Sage, Soothsayer, and Pat Patterson’s personal Butt...er...Butler...here’s CARNAC: THE THE MAGNIFICENT!!!
-Thank you, thank you.
-I hold in my hand an envelope, a child of four can see that...that....err..well no four year old is allowed to read this. It says it up top. An GROWN, MATURE, RATIONAL ADULT 18 YEARS AND OVER can see that...well..they can’t really see anything can they.
-Just get on with it, you fat old drunk
-Hohoho....
-May you ring up a $200 phone bill talking to someone who’s about to sell your site anyway.
-Hiyooooo
-Thank you...May I have the first envelope
-The FIRST envelope. And now...Carnac will reveal the answer to the question BEFORE opening it up and seeing the question!
-May Carson see this bit and sue SCOOPS pants off.
-Intellectual property...oh great one. I must say that this is also the LAST envelope
-*wild applause*
-May you be stalked online by a 36 year old Housewife
-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAA
-May Al Isaacs stop returning your phone calls
-HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO
-May you be forever be attached by a Hippie recapper and a Huge tongue from Toledo
-KA...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
-May your Millennium column be posted in February
-HEYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOO
-*places envelope on forehead*
-The World Wide Web
-THE WORLD WIDE WEB
-The World Wide Web
-THE WORLD WIDE....WEB
-*rip* *poof*
-What would a spider have to make in order to cover Stephanie McMahon’s arse?
-KAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA HIYOOOOOOOOOOOO
-THANK YOU!!!!!!! I AM CARNAC!!!
-GOODBY CARNAC!!! HIYOOOOOOOOOO
-and so it ends.
-Albert ended up winning.....the fans almost fell asleep.
-At a restaurant, Mark Henry denied an autograph seeker and instead...told Mae Young a poem....
-"You may be wrinkly and old, but if the truth be told, if I may be so bold, it’s a wonder to behold, that yo’ chooch be so cold....b**ch, are you still alive down there?"
-ahh...slamming
-Whippleman had a poem for Moolah, "Roses are Red, Violets are blue, my breath stinks, and your does TOO!" (anyone want to argue that mine was MUCH better?)
-commercials
-Foley entered the control trailer and said goodbye to them.....hey, what was NITRO doing on one of the monitors???????
-X-Pac came out....he’s still got a dumb arse cap on....(I reckon Richard Roundtree was watching this at home...did a tremendous SPITTAKE...and screamed, "WHAT KIND OF FUNKY A$$ HAT IS THAT!!!!!!" Then immediately called his agent to see about that "Shaft" reunion.....his agent never returned the call....alas...alas)
-Two for the price of one
-Jeff Hardy came out....his "braa"’s face was still all banged up....so was Terri’s face...quite frankly.
-At one point, X-Pac was tossed over the top rope...he got up...Jeff Hardy LAUNCHED himself between the second and third ropes and DROVE a dropkick right into his chest....great spot....I have no clue how they gimmicked it.
-Hardy went for a somersault plancha off the top rope....no joy
-Hardy did that springboard flip using the legs in a sit-down position thingy....rat ba$tard is probably going to end up killing himself.
-X-Pac chased Terri into the ring...repeatedly chopping at his crotch (sounds like my wedding night).....Hardy blasted him into the corner...Terri got on her hands and knees..Hardy ran, stepped on her, and throw his leg into the little Paccer...Terri ducked out of there holding her back....I’m sure there’s a metaphor pertaining to her former Husband SOMEWHERE in there.
-Hardy went for the Senton Bomb....X-Pac kicked out of pin attempt.
-X-Pac hit the Impactor and secured the win...Hardy should have won it......IT’S UNFAIR!!!!! IT’S JUST PLAIN UNFAIR!!!!!!!
-back at the Restaurant....Henry gave his autograph to a fan....only to have the fan ask why he was such a "loser" (Of course..if this was Cumberland, they would have had the guy call Henry a "darky"....thanks Vince...)
-Mae and Moolah proceeded to beat the crap out of the fan.....suddenly, "Adorable Adrian" becomes the SECOND most embarrassing angle in Wrestling History.
-Kane and Torrie were busy walking. Being "violated" apparently has forced Torrie to get down to her skivvies...now THERE’S a message to all the teens out there!!!
-commercials
-we are re-shown that Test really didn’t do ANYTHING....
-Maybe Tommy Lee was in the house and Torrie got them confused?
-Kane came out with Tori...not Torrie.....sue me.
-Test came out....still having no clue what the problemo is.
-He got on the mic and told Kane to chill the chick OUT...he is innocent!! Him and Oscar DeLa Hoya.
-Kane attacked....Test’s busted nose angle has apparently gone the way of his Stephanie/HHH triangle.....err..angle.
-Kane kept stomping...Tori was all like, "get him Kane...get him...GET HIM!!!!"
-Kane Tombstoned test and it was over...Tori was thrilled.....
-Suddenly...Tori is HOT......she never did anything for me before...but now...that’s she’s been...been.....umm...maybe I better NOT finish this thought.
-backstage....Mick Foley gave Slaughter, Garea, Brisco, and Patterson a farewell hug each.....it was a somber moment.
-what?
-DX watched all this and decided that Mankind should be escorted out of the building...
-commercials
-Michael Cole talked to the Big Show....TBS said that he would DEFEND THE BELT WITHN ALL HIS MIGHT AND CARRY THE WWF BELT ON HIS HEFTY SHOULDERS WELL INTO THE NEW MILLENNIUM!!!!!....the amazing thing was..he did it wit a straight face....Cole started to crack up.
-The New Age Outlaws came out....Roaddy Doggy did his schtick....acknowledging that he can do longer "cuss"...(Did SCOOPS have anything to do with this?)
-He did his thing...
-Brian Christopher, Scott Taylor, and Rikishi Phatu came out...he USED to be called "Fatu"...but they changed it do be hip....either way, I doubt the pronunciation will "make a difference"...(there’s a reach for the ages)
-This is for the tag team belts. Buzzkill wouldn’t even sweat this.
-Ross called the NAO’s the "greatest tag team in the history of the WWF"....(NO WAY!!!! I REMMEBER TULLY BLANCHARD ((andarnanderson)) AND I CARE!!!)
-Early control from Too Cool.....but the Outlaws took it and pretty much kept it.
-Towards the end, Rikishi executed a side kick to Bill Gunn on the outside...the cameras were nowhere NEAR it..we had to rely on Ross’s play by play.....Ross ain’t no recapper.
-The Outlaws won..to nobody’s surprise....then Rikishi wasted both of them...why is he getting a push? He never made much of a difference.
-Then they all danced....suddenly, WCW’s "Three Count" (Shane & Shannon...BWAHAHAHAHAAA) seems to be the grooviest set of cats on the planet.
-backstage, Foley was tossed....some cops were there for dramatic purposes.
-commercials
-Henry was in the sack with Mae Young....and Moolah shacked up with Harvey Whippleman.....if I don’t get laid soon...this might start looking appealing.
-The Big Show came out....he got a pretty good pop, actually
-HHH came out with the entire team. Ross said something that he has PROBABLY been waiting YEARS to say..."There is NO MORE commercial breaks for the rest of the Century!!!!!"
-HHH grabbed a mic midway down the aisle and said that this match was "No DQ" (wow...there’s a shocker)..and ordered his boys to stay there....*hint, hint...*wink F&\\%$@!^ wink*
-The bell rang...the match began...
-early offense from the world champ....
-Is it in HHH’s contract that he has to go into the seats EACH AND EVERY TIME??????
-HHH took a little control....TBS ate some steps AND the Announce Table.
-Back in the ring...TBS stopped selling HHH’s weak punches and headbutted him.
-TBS climbed to either the second or top rope and went for an elbow....HHH rolled out of the way.....Hell, Viscera could have moved out of the way fast enough
-It didn’t take too long before DX interfered and TBS went down....HHH went for the pin...Ross said, "Dammit"
-TBS kicked out...
-TBS cleaned DX house..then powerslammed HHH
-Mr. Arse STILL wasn’t through
-Stephanie came to the ring and gave HHH a chair...meanwhile, TBS was wasting DX.
-TBS ate the chair...
-Mankind ran out and chaired HHH
-TBS chokeslammed HHH
-TBS won....the fans were NUTS...perhaps for the moment...or perhaps the Big Lug is starting to GROW on us? Food for thought.
-The show ended with TBS walking away and HHH screaming
Still, I have to give it to Nitro. Mostly because of Kane’s "Shatner-like" scenery chewing.
Plus...Shane and Shannon.....oh Thank you Mr. Russo.
I WOULD have liked to done a "Sign of the Night" AND a "Line of the Night" thing...but nothing stood out.
AND....for the Hell of it..because it’s the Millennium Mop-Up..and because I doubt ANYONE will remember this...
UNNECESSARY HYPERBOLE RATING:
# of times Ross called something a "Slobberknocker": 0 For the Last Thousand years: ?
# of times Heenan said, "NO DON’T GO TO COMMERCIALS NOW!!": 0 For the Last Thousand years: ?
Closer time...take a second from stocking up on distilled water and read...
And now....finnnnaly....the reason I re-arranged the order of the recaps...what I’ve been plugging since the Summer...the FINAL CLOSER OF THE 19TH CENTURY!!!!!!
Now..this has NOTHING to do with Wrestling....I just want to try to prepare you for the worst.
Y2K!!! WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!!! (or at least, be AWFULLY inconvenienced)
First, let’s address the religious implications....will this signal the coming of the RAPTURE? Locusts? Earthquakes? Dillenger? The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (Plague, Famine, War, Pauly Shore)? The dead rising? Fire? Misery? General Mass Hysteria?
Probably not...because God does NOT keep time like we do. The calendar is only a marker by which we base our lifespans on. God does NOT pay attention to such linear pettiness. 2000 years is like an eyeblink to Him.
No, let’s focus on the REAL threats.
The shortsightedness of early computer programmers who didn’t figure that the computers would freak at the changing of "00" is a very REAL problem....two years ago, when we were safely far away from it to really care, I read news stories about how taking care of this problem involved weeks and weeks grinding, monotonous, snail speedlike work......I ALSO read (in "TIME" no less) that MANY experts say that cities and states were NOT up to schedule..and their full Y2K reparations were projected to be completed MONTHS after January 1st...no matter HOW hard they toiled.
In short...100 people working 24/7 at full speed STILL wouldn’t finish in time.
Fast forward to the present.
Pick up a newspaper....turn on the TV....I PROMISE that you’ll hear Local and National leaders PROMISE that Y2K is fully UNDER CONTROL..WE HAVE nothing TO WORRY ABOUT.....sleep tight America...the Government is in Control!!
BUT....stock up on canned goods, fresh water, and kerosene....andlearnwhwerethenearestemergencysheltersare...oh no..it’s totally under control...BUT JUST IN CASE THERE’S A GLITCH...BE PREPARED!!!
Hogwash...utter hogwash.....pure panic control.
We are in DEEP doo doo.
Let’s break it down in various areas of potential problems...
-Will airplanes fall from the sky? I doubt it..mostly because I’m sure those airlines are bright enough to keep everything GROUNDED until they are sure their computers won’t go kablooey. At this time, since NOBODY has encountered this problem before...it’s all a guessing game folks! Nobody knows what will happen..and that is the TRUTH.
-BUT..there are some smug Millionaires out there who doubt anything will happen, so they’ll take their personal jets out to ring in the New Year in several locations....but chances are, they’ll be over water when things go bad.
-Terrorism....whackos fueled by the Millennium and looking to make a real statement? A very REAL threat, but at least this is something the Government has experience with...so this shouldn’t be much of a problem.
-Cyber-Terrorism.....now this REALLY scares me....Millennium bugs could possibly go off at ANY time...and these things are virtually impossible to detect beforehand. Imagine if one gets into the The World Stock Market network? Or Microsoft? Or Norad? Well, the Government probably is well prepared for that...but what of the OTHER Countries? Russia? China? Cuba? The Trade market is like a stack of Dominoes....one falls and the others go down with it. Can we handle a Great Depression on a Global scale?
-And of course...hackers will have a field day too...it’ll be like a second Christmas all over again...luckily, I give total props to hackers...god bless ‘em..so I can only HOPE they are kind enough to leave SCOOPS alone.
-Plus...say computers are totally fudged up? Then Bill Gates comes out with a new "Y2K Free" Computer and charges 5 grand for them....he makes out like a bandit and totally takes control of the Computer Industry? I realize I am showing my computer illiteracy here, but again..this is a worse case scenario game I am playing.
-Electricity goes out...TV stations blink out....newspaper presses fold? Radio stations? As a society, we have now become completely dependent on shred information....can we survive as a society without media and a sense that someone has things well in hand? I doubt it. We are too dependent on leadership. The strong still survive. The L.A Riots weren’t that long ago....it can still happen....especially when you have a family to feed and your only can opener is electric.
-And let’s not forget about religious cults....I see LOTS of mass suicides
-Chances are you live within 20 miles of a Prison...that’s all computer controlled too. What if the doors suddenly swing open? I heard that there are 50-100 cons for every one guard. Lock the doors people.
-On the BRIGHT side...grab some sort of mask...and instead of getting drunk on New Years...stay near an ATM machine....with any luck, it’ll start spitting out cashola...grab what you can and hope that the Dollar still holds up when the Stock Market crashes.
-Phones go out....then you can’t go online....when that happens..how the frig can Russo work you like a puppet?
-Do NOT break into shops and/or houses for some looting...BUT...should you be in the area when someone ELSE does....hey...when in Rome....those video cameras will be on the fritz anyway.
-If you have blown off a Court case....screw it...it’ll probably get lost in the confusion.
-If you have Illegal cable....you now have a doorstop shaped like a cable box....face facts folks.
-God may not keep our time...but the MARTIANS might!!!!!!!!! Come on..you think we lost all those Probes by ACCIDENT???? They traveled MILLIONS of miles through cosmic debris untouched..only to suddenly break once they near Mars? Yeah right.....WILL SMITH AND JEFF GOLDBLUM WILL NOT SAVE US THIS TIME PEOPLE!!!!!!!!
-Unpaid federal taxes? Pay them...I’m sure this was the Government’s FIRST priority...rat pricks
-Unpaid local taxes? It depends on how backwards you town or city is.
-Read "The Stand"...and learn
-Sell your wife and daughter to some rich folks as sex slaves...it’s they only way you’ll be able to eat.
-Finally..if you succumb to public hysteria....and find your way to Cumberland, Rhode Island...and see a man, 6 feet, 230 pounds...a HELL of a monster with a shaved head...who is sitting on his porch with a baseball bat in one hand and a bottle of Jack Daniels...identify yourself as a Mop-Up reader....do NOT make any sudden movements....and maybe...just maybe..I’ll let you hang without braining you for trying to steal my magic box...I’m going in FULL LOCO MODE BABY!!!!!!! IT’S A NEW DAWN FOR THE WORLD!!!!! AND I’M GETTING MYSELF A PIECE OF IT!!!!!!!
Of course...I could be wrong and nothing’ll happen.
Godspeed people.....with any luck my PC’ll will safely come through this in one piece
And hopefully SCOOPS will manage okay too...
and if the worse comes to pass....well good luck my friends....fare thee well....it was a nice run.
"T’is a bold new world that we thusly enter true. T’is a righteous test of civility and virtue by which we will be judged in the eyes of God" (Chris Hyatte...made up on the spot)
Keep your head straight....help your neighbors...and everything will be okay.
This is Hyatte
Nitro Mop Up
[page 1 of 9]
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - Must read before proceeding - - - - - - - - - - - - -
This column is not intended for people under the age of 18, do not read further if you are not over the age of 18.
This column is a warped piece of stream-of-consciousness #*$@ that NOBODY is supposed to take seriously unless I make it clear to do so otherwise. In fact, the biggest target in my Mop-Ups is, has been, and always will be....me! I have portrayed myself, at one time or another, as a Racist, Anti-Semite, Girl hater, Girl beater, Self Involved, Self Pitying, Ego Maniacal, Ex-Convict, Homophobic, xxxxx, Small Pee Peed, Sexually Ambiguous, Alcoholic, A-Hole ...AND THIS IS A WRESTLING COLUMN!!!!!!!
Moral of the story.....this is the dumbest column alive....don't be dumber by taking it seriously.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"I hate you, I hate you so much it hurts to look at you. You make me sick. Die today and everyone would cheer. No one will ever love you. You mother died because she was disgusted with you. You’re father left because he wanted a man for a son, not some sissy. No woman will ever have you. Your recaps suck, you suck, Al sucks for hiring you. You have no friends, no family, no life. Isn’t it high time you die and clear space for someone who might matter? You make me sick"
Christopher Gaudreau: CIHRI@aol.com
Whoa...heavy
I wonder if he said that in a French accent?
Oddly enough, I say the exact same thing to myself in the mirror...every morning. It’s almost as if he was right there with me...or perhaps my house is bugged?
The hype is over...now prepare to be disappointed.
I’m Chris and this is the MILLENNUIM MOP-UP!!!!!! The Last great column of the 20th Century...then Y2K takes over and we all burn in Hell....believe it daddy!!
Okay, what do I have planned for this column? Well, after running through some opening notes, we’ll do the recaps..which will be FILLED with some great old time stuff from past columns....no, not past clips...just revisiting some of my more popular gimmicks....like I said last week, I’m gonna bring it ALL back.
Hell, I WAS going to go CRAZY and hand this thing in on TUESDAY and call it the TUESDAY MORNING MOP-UP...but then reality set in....as did a huge case of the giggles.
Then the Closer will be the Ultimate Y2K checklist. I am firmly convinced that something very, very, VERY bad will happen on Saturday morning.....and we’ll run down ALL the possibilities....just to see if I can grip you in the same paranoid frenzy that I have been living in during the last 3 months. This is SO big that I’m going to put the RAW recap with the closer and the Nitro recap right here..because I’m going to need the extra room. Did you really think I would leave the end of the century with a SMALL column? Oh no my friends....I’m going to jam this with EVERYTHING I CAN POSSIBLY THINK OF.....you WILL be sitting here for a while....just deal with it.
Just a couple of notes...
My Christmas went like this...I worked until 3 p.m....then went to my Uncle’s house, where the relatives were. Unfortunately, I haven’t been to my Uncle’s house in over a decade....so I forgot which street he lived on. I took a few streets (they were all the same..long, narrow, and surrounded by trees on both sides), looked around, found zilch, then eventually ended up in another town, clear on the other side of the state (remember, Rhode Island is VERY small)....so..I said F-it..went home..and spent my Christmas watching Asia Carrera do her first anal scene "A is for Asia"...available in most upstanding porn shops run by a quasi-effeminate men named "Rick". Then I stared at the walls. that was my Christmas....no presents, no cheer, no love....I hate this Holiday.
Of course...that didn’t stop me from doing a Christmas themed Mop-Up Nitro...one which the boys at SCOOPS waited until MONDAY to post...thanks guys..you ruined whatever Christmas I MIGHT have had. Way to go..I appreciate it. It’s nice to feel so welcomed.
What else is there? Umm....I’m happy to welcome Lacey aboard the SCOOPS written word section. She does a very unique type of column...a "Open Letter" to a certain personality. Like I said...it’s high time we had an actual BABE on staff (with apologies to Carrie..who’s married and knocked up..so she’s eliminated from the running) and I’m sure she’ll do well here in the big time. Much lSN’T START UNTIL 2001...UNTIL NEXT YEAR!!!!!!!" Douchebags...you are missing the POINT....we are just responding to CHANGE!! For the first time in ANY of our lives, (with the exception of a few old folks who are probably too senile to remember anyway) we are losing the "19" and turning over to "20" for the rest of our existence! We are celebrating the FUTURE!! Science Fiction is NO longer FICTION...it’s REALITY!
Want an example? Fine...on the first "Star Trek" in the 60’s, they used hand held communicators to talk to people far away....pure science fiction right?
Then what are cell phones?
The future is NOW...2000....a new era....evolution, baby!!!
And you want us to wait until 2001???? That’s like reading the Nitro Mop-Up on the day of a NEW Nitro.....utter pointlessness AND anti-climatic.
Welcome to my Hell
Anyway, let’s roll....it’s time to dig on in with the moomba....it’s time to take out the trash on Thursday...then spend Friday chasing down the trash that the wind knocked over because you forgot that the Christmas Holiday delayed the Town Sanitation Schedule by a day...(friggin’ Union workers). It’s time to throw this puppy in the sack with Gwyneth Paltrow and see if she climaxes in a British or an American accent. It’s time to shove this thing down Calista Flockhart AND Jennifer Love Hewitt’s throat and see who can regurgitate it up faster... MY GOD..IT’S TIME TO BRING BACK A LITTLE OLD SCHOOL MOP-UP BEFORE ALL THE LIGHTS GO OFF AND YOU GET THE NOSE OF A 747 IN YOUR SHOWER STALL!!!!!!!
Prince’s "1999".....BAH!!! REM’s "End of the World" is a more fitting song to close things out.
NITRO: (or How come nobody bases a gimmick on "Jefferson Airplane"?)
-WCW Logo: Much like Cockroaches and Tony Robbins, this will survive past the Nuclear dawn.
-BEFORE I EVEN LOOK AT THE SCREEN!!!! I will GUESS (because I DON’T DO PREDICTIONS!!!!! PREDICTIONS are for dumb Internet guys who think they know what they know more than you) that the next image we see will be of someone either:
-A: "arriving"
-B: "fighting"
-C: "pissed off"
-D: "arriving pissed off"
-E: "fighting pissed off"
-F: "arriving and immediately fighting"
-G: OR that last last one plus they are "pissed" off while "arriving and fighting".
-opens with a "pissed off" Goldberg (There’s a shocker) "fighting" with Jeff Jarrett...or at least choking him with one hand while rasping about all the things he’s about to do..or has done..to those no good Outsiders. SCORE ONE FOR THE KID!!! I KNOW THIS SHOW LIKE THE BACK OF MY HAND GODDAMIT!!!!!!
-clips from Thunder (that show still on?) where Goldberg did what Goldberg does.
-See that blood smear on the Limo hood after GB punched it? Don’t be alarmed...it’s normal for him to bleed from his hands and feet during the Christmas Season.....it’s called....it’s called....aw Hell..I forget...but ALL the Religious icons do it nowadays. It’s all the rage
-Me? I pee blood during the 8 days of Hanukah.....I don’t know why. During Lent I poop Mushrooms.....mine is not to question.
-STIGMATA!!! STIGMATA!!!...I REMEMBERED!!!! DELETE THAT E-MAIL YOU WERE ABOUT TO SEND!!!
-We see Bret Hart, Kevin Nash, and Jeff Jarrett ARRIVING!!! A DOUBLE SCORE FOR THE KING OF THE NET!!!!!!!!!!!
-Someone yells, "CLEAR".....looks like Flair’s heart finally gave out....IGNORE THE LIGHT RICCY!!!!!! (riccy?) STAY AWAY FROM THE LIGHT!!!! WE STILL LOVE YOU NATURE BOY!!!!!!!
-opening theme.....is that fireball a nifty little graphic? Or a sign of things to come? DON’T BE TOO SURE!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Someone pots down Tony Schiavone’s mic just low enough so we can ALMOST hear him above the DEAFENING ROAR OF THE CROWDS!!!!! (Making your show SEEM huge 101: Taught by Professor Eric Bischoff). They raise it loud enough so we can hear him verify that we are indeed watching WCW MONDAY NITROOOOO!!
-This is their NEW YEAR’S EVIL....offering...the REAL "New Year’s Evil" is that 34 hour Nitro Marathon they are going to run on Friday.....34 hours.....34 hours....now that is the EPITOME of Evil.
-Come on...’fess up....which one of you losers are gonna be glued to the screen on Friday? Come on..show of hands...let’s see them.....raise them..come on..be honest....
-There ya’ go....good..now put them down you dumb sh*ts....IN CASE YOU DIDN’T NOTICE...YOU ARE READING A COMPUTER SCREEN..I CAN’T SEE YOU!!!
-You can stop rubbing your breasts against the screen too, ladies, I can’t feel you either.
-Except for you Carmela...I can see you...oh baby....I want you so bad it hurts.
-Your hosts are Tony (The Mop-Up’s "Man of the Century) Schiavone, Bobby (The Mop-Up’s "Man of the Century"...if the century ended 7 years ago) Heenan, and Mike (Has run up "The Tab of the Century" in many a Pub) Tenay.
-They show clips from Thunder....specifically Goldberg’s "alleged" injury....how convenient......what a convenient way to keep him off the air so he can prepare for the Dark Chylde Dillenger Ascension.....DAMMIT PEOPLE!!!!!! EVENTS THAT YOU COULD NEVER IMAGINE ARE HAPPENING RIGHT ON THIS VERY PLANET AND YOU SIT THERE WATCHING PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING???? GET YOUR ARSE TO CHURCH!!!!!! CATHOLIC, SATANIC, ORTHODOX....IT DOESN’T MATTER...CHOOSE A SIDE AND PREPARE TO FIGHT IN THE ULTIMATE HOLY CRUSADE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-I’m with God..by the way, but against Goldberg....so if you meet me...I’ll run you through with my trusty Minora...or whatever that thing is with all the candle holders.
-Through a windshield......HAW!!! Lamo excuse
-Tony says something about Scott Hall...then announced that "The Executive Vice President of WCW Bill Busch" has finally had enough of Vince Russo’s nonsense and took matters in his own hands. He announced that if Scott Hall does not show up at the Astrodome by 7 p.m. EST (wouldn’t that make it 6 p.m. in Houston?)...he will be FIRED...or at least SUSPENDED....or they’ll do SOMETHING to him that would justify him being gone for another 6 months.
-Wasn’t Bischoff "President of WCW"? Now Busch is the "Executive VICE President"?
-My God....IT’S ALL A WORK!!!! UNCLE ERIC STILL RUNS THE SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND RALPHUS IS KEEPING IT A SECRET!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Actually..it makes a LOT of sense...he still runs things, only because his name is so REPUGNANT to the audience...they never mention him by name.
-I would just like to add that I LOVE Bill Busch....I love Busch HUGE.....there is nothing like a little Busch to pick you up when your feeling blue. He might be UGLY, but that pink little face shaved or waxed.....and that crop of hair on top.....now, I’m no homo...but I LOVE to kiss bush...err..busch right on the lips......for hours and hours......oh...looks like someone’s been eating cod again....doesn’t matter...nothing beats the taste of Busch.
-Head over the Mountains..and into BUSCH country!!....There’s even a little landing strip for you.
-Carmela Busch.....one can dream can’t one?
-Tony sets up the night. This VERY SPECIAL Nitro will be a "Lethal Lottery"...where 8 matches will be picked from a drum.....either that or a very drunk Jake Roberts will come out and challenge Sting to "Spin the Wheel". The winner of the things gets DDP’s long forgotten "Battle Bowl" ring....unless that no good "ese" Eddie Guerrera already pawned it for a pair of shiny new zapatos
-Also...Bret Hart’s fighting Jerry Flynn...somebody’s fighting somebody else..and Scott Steiner will announce his retirement....
-Tenay says that Scott Steiner will need a second back surgery....and that his career is pretty much kaput...(Uhh...HeLLLOOOO.....I thought making him the leader of the NWO accomplished that quite nicely!)
-Chris "Champagne" Kanyon came out with two ladies.
-Kanyon walked down and asked Tony if he can hear him.....Tony said yes, than Kanyon proceeded to mumble something about something.....like who gives a crap?
-He’s just the white Godfather.....only with zero charisma
-His Lawyer was with him....because WCW needed to appease the Atlanta Black Community by raising the quotient of bald Brothers who don’t do anything to 2.
-Good reading:..."A Man in Full" by Tom Wolfe
-Brian Knobbs came out with a trash can. Kanyon did some shtick where he told Heenan that the Academy is going to change the Oscar into the "Kanyon"....I think we have all heard about enough out of this loser.
-I’d put a Bounty out on Kanyon....and perhaps his family...but these aren’t exactly the waters I want to be treading in.
-Bam Bam Bigelow came out.....I think this was...yes, it was a Hardcore Match.
-All of the sudden...MIKE TENAY gets all uppity with Kanyon and starts screaming, "WHO DID YOU BEAT FOR THE HARDCORE BELT??? Then he started acting all ACCUSATORY...as if he was Morton Downey Junior....great, I finally got Schiavone in line (and let’s face it..it was all me) and now TENAY is looking to get over....JUST CALL THE MATCH...STUPID!!!!! NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR YOU ACT LIKE THIS IS REAL!!!!!!!!!
-On the other hand...thank GOD it was Tenay..and not Tony...doing this.
-at one point, Knobbs looked at the crowd and screamed, "HEY!!! YOU BUNCH OF IDIOTS!!!" (that, my friends..is old school heat seeking)
-It ended with the two guys fighting deep in the seats...since no cameras were there to cover it...all we could do was listen to Kanyon talk on the mic...in other words: I watched "Time of Your Life"
-Oh Jennifer Love....you wild, skinny bi**h
-Someone held up a sign that read "I HAVE NO FRIENDS"....it was upside down....which explains why he had no friends quite nicely...doesn’t it?
-Elsewhere....a car pulls up...and Sid gets out. Chris Benoit is with him. Somehow, I doubt they were discussing economic upheavals during the Industrial Revolution.
-We see that a Monster Truck is also on the premises.....it’s HOGAN VS THE GIANT!!!!! ROUND TWO!!!!!!!! THE GIANT CAN’T DIE HULK!!!!!! IT’S UP TO YOU AND HULK-A-MANIA TO STOP HIM ONCE AND FOR ALL!!!!!!!!
-Backstage, The NWO bi**h and moan to JJ Dillon....JJ uses the old Nazi defense and says, "I’m just following orders."..then Bret Hart attacks him....where was Bret during World War II? We could have used him.
-I wonder if anyone out there believes that Dillon has ANY power there whatsoever?
-Primer 55 presents "Loose"....found ONLY on the Mayhem CD. Master P’s single "Bummed rushed by Whitey Championship Wrestling" didn’t make the final cut.
-commercials
-America Online partly sponsors WCW Nitro. Meanwhile, Prodigy’s owner still runs illegal "3 Card Monty Games" in Times Square.
-Backstage, The NWO admire the NWO Monster Truck. Nash says it’s a perfect size for him, then starts having sex with the tailpipe....(oh he is such a CHILD!!!!!!!!!!!!)
-Sid comes out with a mic....Lord Help us
-He screams, "OHH YEAH....N DOUBLEU OOOOOOOO".....ANYONE IN THE GARBLED MWAHARCHARA SCREAM AWAHAHAHELL YAAAAAAA"
-Sid said that the message to the NWO tonight is simple...payback will be a "BIIIIIITTTCH!!!!!!!" (I watched the replay...and it was NOT edited.)
-Of course.....here at SCOOPS...it’s ALWAYS safety first for the Innocent masses....so "xxxxx" is of course...a no no.
-Which really isn’t a problem with me...I just wish I could say "xxxxx" again. That’s it.
-Sid said that himself, Benoit, and Goldberg had decided to make it a gang warfare and stay tight..and get together..and "KICK YOUR ASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS...I say KICK YOUR ASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS"
-Let’s hope that doesn’t come out as, "Kick your XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX"
-He had more to say....but I think he was speaking in his retarded manager’s "Seth"’s language.
-Then Chris Benoit came out...and you know HE was ON FIRE!!!!
-Well...at least I knew he was ON FIRE!!!!.....because he picked up Crabs from some stripper in Calgary....and those little buggers can EAT!!!!!!!
-Benoit trashed Jeff Jarrett...talking about "pure talent being tainted by ego and greed" (WHAT??? HEY DUDE...I JUST WANT MY COLUMNS PUT UP IN A TIMELY MANNER AND THE EDITING TO CHILL OUT....THAT DOESN’T MEAN I HAVE AN...oh...he’s talking about Jarrett....sorry.)
-Jeeze...he’s an awfully mouthy prick for someone calling himself "Silent but Violent"?
-Benoit set up his "3 match marathon thingy" with Jarrett at Souled Out. It used to be only two matches, but that damn Goldberg had to take time off to combat the Ascension....Lord knows Bret vs Sid won’t be causing a rush of ticket sales.
-Benjy still had a cut on his nose.....some babe must have farted.
-Outside, the NWO spraypainted Sid’s car. Haven’t we seen this before?
-Why yes...we have...MY GOD!!!! THEY RIP OFF EVERYTHING!!!!!!!
-But then again.....their color is now black and GREY..not white and not red...so this is a unique approach...MY GOD!!!!! THEY AREN’T RIPPING OFF EVERYTHING!!!!
-or maybe they are...but they are only doing something they created for themselves....MY GOD!!! THEY AREN’T RIPPING OFF EVERYTHING BUT THEY ARE RIPPING OFF SOMETHING THEY’VE ALREADY DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-What’s old is new again in the Millennium Mop-Up....MY GOD!! I RIP OFF MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!
-commercials
-Someone from Lynard Skynard and one of the bearded guys (who is NOT named Frank Beard...in the Irony of all time) is in da’ hizzouse.
-Fact: He wears a BEARD
-Fact: He sings about going downtown to get himself some TUSH
-Fact: He’s from Texas
-Fact: He has a knack for dressing SHARPS
-Fact: He sings about getting chicks a LOT
-Fact: Did I mention he’s from Texas?
-Conclusion: He ain’t no FAG!!!!
-(see..you thought I was going somewhere...but I went in a totally different direction...Booya and pass the Cranberry sauce Mutha F-er)
-Didn’t Lynard Skynard all die in a plane crash? By the looks of that guy....yes, they did.
-anyway, a guy from Lynard Skynard was there...so was someone from ZZ-Smooth....I mean TOP...ZZ-Top
-ZZ-Smooth? The Hell did that come from?
-The Skynard guy yelled into the camera...I THOUGHT I heard him yell, "FOR GOD SAKES, HELP US..THEY ARE STILL ON THE PLANE!!!!!!! THEY HAVEN’T EATEN FOR 30 YEARS!!!! Then he said that Neil Young sucks.
-Moments ago History repeated itself with the NWO
-Live out back...Sid is looking at his car and is steamed. Tony says that Sid is "literally beside himself"....then Sid looked at himself and blamed him for this....they fought...it was a WAR
-One thing that was painted on there was "ROCKER RULES"....oooh..those Atlanta PRICKS!!!!!! WAIT UNTIL THE BRAVES PLAY IN NEW YORK AGAIN!!!! JUST WAIT UNTIL ROCKER WALKS OUT ON SHEA!!!!!!!!!!!
-Set those VCRs...’cause that’ll be THE game of the new Century
-John Rocker....dickhead....can I wish AIDS on him without getting edited? I guess we’ll soon see.
-Brad "Buzzkill" Armstrong came out to theme music that sounded INCREDIBLY like his Brother’s...( MY GO.......)
-Brad "Buzzkill" Armstrong had a mic and was doing a schtick as he walked to the ring...."It’s me, it’s ME!! It’s that B*U* Double Zee"...(D!!! THEY RI....)
-Mike Rotundo came out with various members of the Varsity Club....we are told that this is a match from that Lottery thing..so they are partners. Rotundo turned around and stuck his arse out in the camera...(P OFF EV......)
-Then Rey Mysterio Jr, Konan, Kidman, and Eddie Guerrero came out.....Rey Rey is on crutches. I’ll discuss the REAL reason why later in the recap (oooh...you know what’s coming don’t you? Long time readers damn sure know)
-Can’t Konan just die please?
-Then the Revolution came out.....HOLY GOD!!!!!!! THIS IS WHAT THEY DREW???? THESE THREE COMBUSTABLE TEAMS????? WHAT LUCK!!! WHAT A COINCIDENCE!!!!!!
-Tenay, "IT’S A POWDERKEG TONY!!!! IT’S A POWDERKEG WAITING TO EXPLODE AND WE ARE STANDING AT GROUND ZERO!!!!" Then he chugged a flask of Dewars and hit on a 14 year old girl behind him. This being Texas and all...her father dropped her pants down to allow Mike to inspect her goods.
-The official team is Rotundo and Buzzkill vs Malenko and Konan. Let’s see....Malenko is stuck in this retarded Anti-American gimmick, Buzzkill should be on that plane with the rest of Skynard, and there ain’t a chance in hell I’ll be cheering for K-Phuck....sooooo
-GO VARSITY CLUB!!!! GO ROTUNDO!!!! GO, GO, GO, GO, GO RAH RAH RAH!!!!!!!!!!
-I actually sort of missed the VC.....Kevin Sullivan kind of, sort of rocks.
-Buzzc**k’s (My c**k hasn’t been buzzed in a LOOOOOONG time) hair weave came off....well THAT’S a new one.
-Of course..it ended in a fight outside..meanwhile, Malenko put the Cloverleaf on Buzzkill
-Hacksaw Jim Duggan ran in...HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
-Hacksaw hit Malenko with a two by four..HOOOOOOOOOOOO
-Armstrong (weak pee pee) got the pin because of Hacksaw HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
-Buzzkill’s new music started...(ERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!....thought I’d forget? I almost did.)
-outside...Jeff Jarrett and Bret Hart muck around with the Control trailer..they pull at some wires...Heenan announced that they are about to go off the air (is RAW about to start already?).....sparks explode....Tony screams, "THIS MIGHT VERY WELL BE THE BEST NIT......."
-they go off
-commercials
-The screen is snowy as we see a Limo pull up.....they must have gone to their backup system..either that or TCI Cable has finally discovered I’m "borrowing" cable....COME ON GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I NEED MY CAREFULLY EDITED SPICE CHANNEL!!!!!!! I’M NOT TAPING THESE PPVS AND SELLING THEM FOR HALF PRICE!!!!!! CAN’T YOU JUST LOOK THE OTHER WAY????? ALL THE OTHER WEB GUYS HAVE THEM!!!!!!!!!!!
-’Tis a joke..a jest..a little homage to a time when I wrote to Gene Ross and claimed to have one because I didn’t want to look like a loser...I didn’t even think it would get out (friggin CRZ)....I am an AMERICAN!!! I PAY MY TAXES!!! I PAY MY CABLE BILL!!!!!!!!
-Tony apologized for this picture quality...then claimed to not being able to remember what he was saying earlier...for some reason, I think it’ll come back to him before this MILLENNIUM MOP-UP is over
-Scott Steiner steps out of the Limo....his brother Rick is there to hug him (homo)...then he wheels him into the building on his chair.
-The NWO were busy wrecking more equipment that was there strictly so they could destroy it. Let’s see them break into Ted Turner’s mansion and tear THAT place up (and shag Jane while they are at it)...THEN I’ll start believing in fairies
-TINKERBELL Fairies...not men who like men....I already believe in those.
-Tank Abbott came out.....we see the time on Thunder when he knocked down Dillenger..(of course...Dillenger needs time off too....just like Goldberg....I’VE BEEN SCREAMING ABOUT THIS FOR MONTHS PEOPLE!!!! NOW DO YOU BELIEVE ME?????? NOW DO YOU UNDERSTAND??????????????? THE GENETIC SYRUP IS PRIMED TO OIL THE WHEELS OF GUNTPA’S ENGINE...THE HOUR OF THE HATCHING IS UPON US!!! LO’ THERE BE DARK DAYS AHEAD FOR HUMANITY!!!! DARK DAYS INDEED)
-Tank took on Virgil/Vincent/CurlyBill/Shane......better watch out Tank...Virgil can still work a headlock better than ANY Backyard Federation worker!!!!!
-Like....who gives a crap? Come ON people
-WCW Security showed up to tell Tank to leave....Dillenger was there...or was he?
-IMP!!! the Dark Yne has sent an IMP to keep the uniformed uninformed!!!!!! That is NOT Dillenger!!! T’is a REFLECTION!!!!!!!!!
-Man...I’ll be glad when this crap is over.
-Rick was still wheeling Scott.....Now, Big Poppa Pump is gonna need a Pump to get himself erected....ahh Irony, many a times I have turned to you for comedy whenever I came up short....and you have NEVER failed me.
-commercials
-We see all the Winners from the WCW Sweepstakes in the front row...one of them looked and dressed EXACTLY like "Disco Stu" from "The Simpsons"....He didn’t have those dead Goldfish in his shoes...the fat girl next to him probably ate them already.
-Rule to ALL Columnists....referencing "The Simpsons" AUTOMATICALLY upgrades your coolness factor by 5 points.
-Jesus...have you SEEN a bigger collection of geeks? I mean, it’s all well and good that they would run that contest..but come ON!
-more commercials
-A video tribute to Scott Steiner....I still gag when I see him with his greasy ponytail/goatee look.
-The Steiners are wheeled out.....
-Scott struggles to get up. The announcers start the eulogy.
-The Steiners hug again (incestuous homos)
-Scott has the mic...and starts to crack his voice....HE’S SHOOTING!!!!!!! DEAR LORD!!!!! IT’S A SHOOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I wonder if Madden approves?)
-Steiner laments about walking out there for the last time...then breaks down and starts to cry.....(although....I DO hear that Steroids causes Impotence...so exactly WHAT he’s crying about remains is still up in the air)
-I’ll tell you what..no members of the RAT PACK would EVER start crying in front of millions...MY RAT PACK AIN’T A BUNCH OF SISSIES!!!!
-Honestly..I totally forgot WHO was IN the Rat Pack....it’s been THAT long.
-Steiner sobbed some more about how hard it is to NOT leave on his own terms...(Those damn OFFICE PEOPLE!!!!! I BLAME MCMAHON FOR ALL THIS!!!!!)
-A teary eyed Steiner (trained by that master thespian, Terrance Bollea) asked that we ALL say a prayer for him...if we can. (While your at it..say a prayer for this column....pray that it makes it online BEFORE Saturday)
-Steiner said thanks for the memories and proceeded to split.
-The NWO came out...Tony pulled a Ross and said, "Oh My God!!" ("Oh My God"..the first Guns & Roses song in years...AXL’S BACK BABY!!!!!!!! HE’S BACK!!!!!!!)
-"Oh My God"..voted worse song by Entertainment Weekly....critically panned by Rolling Stone....I can sure pick ‘em can’t I?
-"End of Days" sucked too...oy vey
-But trust me..."ANY GIVEN SUNDAY" RULES!!!!!!!!!
-Bret Hart had the mic....and encouraged a round of applause for Steiner....then told him to get his stinkin’ arse OUT of the ring because he’s a washed up NOBODY...and...and....a real HYENIA!!!!!
-The NWO enter the ring.....Tenay told them to pick on someone CAPABLE of fighting back, then threw a can of Surge at them....Nash glanced at the Lush and laughed, "N-word PLEASE"
-Or... "Beoytch PLEASE"...if my Editors aren’t comfortable with the first option....either one, I don’t mind.
-Bret said that Steiner was never all that to begin with so told him to get going...
-Then they tossed Steiner’s wheelchair out of the ring...Steiner gimped off....
-Bret stuck on the mic and talked about how he understood "emotion"...(not that anyone had him pegged for a Vulcan or anything).....but Steiner is yesterday....The NWO is TODAY!! (well...it’s yesterday all refurbished for today..but what the Hell)
-Jarrett mocked a crying jag....cute
-Then Nash grabbed the mic....and told the director, "Don’t be wrapping me up"....(Techno speak for "Don’t tell me to make this quick because you are running out of time"...of course..you probably knew that...but I wanted to tell you anyway because I have major Insecurities so I have to come across as a Know It All....Be on the lookout for my new column here on SCOOPS, "Ask the Hyatte")
-Soon, Jarrett smashed the guy who told Nash to wrap it up with his guitar....Tony referenced Our Lord again...."My Goldberg!!"
-Nash...."Oh...it’s a break!!! We’ll be right back!" Then stood there as we were abruptly shuffled off to some...
-commercials
-HA!!! Neat trick!! I love it!! Very fresh!!! Very NOT ripped off!
-Call 1-800-306-5100 NOW to get Anne Murray’s GREATEST HITS!!!!...(Oh man...ANOTHER phone number? I NEVER learn my lesson)
-Who is Anne Murray and what genius thought to buy an ad for her record on a WRESTLING show?
-Back to the shiznit.....Nash said that it was a "bad move" for that "jabronie" who took away their ball bats...then sent a "shout out" to WCW VP Bill Busch....(Does RichinKC still send "shouts" out to anyone?)
-The second hour arrived. Let’s dispense with the tired "Time for RAW!" joke for a change..shall we?
-NO..we shall NOT!! Not during the MILLENNIUM MOP-UP!!! EVERYTING COMES BACK BABY!!!!!!
-The second hour has arrived....Cable systems EXPLODE throughout the land as MILLIONS switch to RAW!! BOOYAAA!!!!!!
-
-....sorry...I was just thinking that maybe I SHOULD have skipped that part.
-Nash told Busch to go F-himself...(oooh....DIRTY!!!!)
-Nash informed us that the tag titles were STRIPPED from the Outsider’s waists
-In a related story, I got word that AA STRIPPED Scott Hall of his 9 month chip a few days ago...so it hasn’t been a good Autumn for Da Bad Guy
-Jarrett had the mic and asked if they wanted a survey...then grabbed his crotch and said the survey was "right here" (Survey SAYS!!!!! *DING* 4 Inches!!! Poor Ba$tard)
-Jarrett and Nash trash the Houston populace.....Jarrett re-named the joint the "A$$Hole Dome"...then insulted our intelligence by explaining why
-Bret wanted us to let him tell us about Bill Goldberg (NO!!! DO NOT LET HIM!!!! PLEASE DON’T LET HIM!!!!!!!)
-He told us about Bill Goldberg...dammit
-Bill Goldberg reminds Bret of Dr. Jack Kevorkian....then compared the two in a way that made absolutely no sense whatsoever....(A-HOLES!!! I TOLD YOU NOT TO LET HIM TELL US ABOUT GOLDBERG!!! BUT DID YOU LISTEN?? NOOOO!!!!)
-Bret said that Sid reminded him of a Hyena....again.....someone get the hook
-Sid drove out in his Spraypainted mobile.....Benoit joined him...they had ball bats...they cleared the ring.
-Curt Hennig ran out because the NWO’s collective egos are MUCH too big to job to this big goof.....so poor Curt was the one who took a Powerbomb onto the car’s hood.
-Tenay, "DID YOU SEE THAT?????" No Mike..you DOUCHEBAG!! We didn’t!
-actually..in all honesty..I was busy typing, so I REALLY didn’t see it.
-commercials
-footage of what just happened
-Hennig is loaded into an ambulance...his dignity was loaded in a nearby Hearse
-Harlem Heat be steppin’
-Tony be talkin’ ‘bout how lucky they be to be drawn as homies in da lotto
-Whoever thinks this lotto be random be frontin’
-The hit da’ ring...Stevie Ray looked in the camera with a real cold mad dog stare...I automatically write a blank check to him, throw it at the TV screen, and crawl under my bed.
-I haven’t seen that look since...since.....prison.....but I’m over that now.....it’s buried in my mind...gone..history...no more.
-......brrr....cold shiver through my bones....
-STOP LOOKING AT ME Z-STEVIE!!!! I DIDN’T USE YOUR TOOTHPASTE!!!!!
-Lash Larioux came out....let’s just focus on the match
-Midnight appeared from the dark...she was Larioux’s tag partner
-Larioux has funky sideburns and a mop for a hairstyle....they would have eaten him alive in the joint. Just like I was eaten alive......
-Actually....more irony..I had a mop in the stir too..I used it to clean the floors...then..late at night..it was used on...on.....hmm..I seemed to have forgotten what I was talking about.
-Man...Stevie Ray is SO powerful..so slick...so...smooth....
-Midnight was tagged in....Stevie was all set to take her on. Time to turn out this new fish
-Stevie clocks her...she went down...she gets up....got knocked down again...
-She got up...hit a suplex....I wish I thought of that...but no...I stayed down and cowered....cowered like a little child..I was a child..I was a...a...
-Z-Ray complained that she pulled his tights to get that suplex off....Stevie Smooth knows all about pulling tights....just like he pulled MY tights down in the shower stall....I...I....I never knew what....what......NO STOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPIT!!!!!
-Ray tagged in Booker T....It was Booker’s turn....everyone had a turn....everyone.....OH GODOHGODOHGOD!!! MOMEEEEEEEEEE MOMEEEEEEEEEEE I’M JUST TRYING TO DO MY TIME!!!! PAY MY DEBT TO SOCIETY!!!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE Z-SMOOTH...JUST LEAVE ME ALLLLLLARRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!!!
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-Lash and Midnight won....I’d say more, but I have this overwhelming urge to have a cigarette...and braid someone’s hair.
-Word of advice kids.....LEAVE THE TAGS ON THE MATTRESSES!!!! Those warnings are VERY real....and the penalties are VERY severe.
-and just say NO to drugs
-and DON’T kill your Mother...I cannot STRESS THAT ENOUGH
-Backstage, Bret Hart walks out of camera range....then Chavo Guerrero was attacked by La Parka! La Parka has a new sense of viciousness about him....no doubt from all the guerrilla training he’s been doing in the Mountains of Columbia......those deep, Jungle infested Mountains.....
-oh yes..a great many Luchadors have been training in the Jungles....free from technology!! Free from civilization....under the Tutelage....the tutelage of a certain Global cartel that has been secluded into hiding and preparing to be a mysterious Dark Horse player in the scheme that is Global Domination of the New Y2K World.....trained by the combined forces of Villano LXVII (The Survivalist) and Villano CVXXII (El Segundo)....Wonder where they’ve been? Wonder what happened to them? WELL, ONCE THE BOUGH BREAKS AND THE CRADLE OF SOCIETY FALLS AND WE ARE ALL FORCED TO WALK UNCODDLED INTO A NEW ERA OF GANGLAND CIVILIZATION!!! YOU WILL ALL KNOW..YOU WILL ALL KNOW, DAMN YOU!
-Rey Rey knows....he knows the plans of La Familia....unfortunately, a Voodoo hex has made it impossible for him to speak.
-GOLDBERG!!!!! FOCUS ON DILLENGER BUT DO NOT IGNORE THE DARK HORSE!!! DO NOT IGNORE THE MYSTERIOUS OUTSIDE FORCE THAT’S JUST WAITING TO SWOOP IN AND PICK UP THE PIECES FROM YOUR EARTH SHATTERING WAR!!!!!
-To you newcomers out there....that one was for the old time readers. Some are loving it....others are enjoying it...the rest are clicking over to CRZ’s recap.
-One last time...for the Hell of it.....VIVA LA VILLANOS!!! VIVA LA FAMILIA!!!!!! VIVA LA CHICAS BLANCO!!!!
-GOD!! I should be writing comic books....can I spin a tale or WHAT????
-commercials
-got a Z-Smooth AND a Villano segment in almost one shot....takes care of THAT.
-God..I Hope the Z-Smooth thing isn’t cut.
-Bit with the Revolution.....in Washington DC....nowhere NEAR as good as the time Jericho walked around DC trying to find a way to get the Cruiserweight belt back from Malenko
-The Revolution? HA!! La Familia will drop THEIR Chalupas within 10 seconds....La Familia calls The Revolution a bunch of "El Homos"
-back to the building...we see WCW Powerplant workers....Tony calls them the "Future of WCW".....I need no Magic 8 ball to see that if THEY are the future...then the future will bring LOTS of RAW victories.
-well come on....Prince Iaukea was in that group....I’ll personally wash Remy "The Slammer" Arteiga’s car with my tongue if Russo can get HIM over.
-Hell, I’ll do it anyway if that Z-Smooth bit stays in.
-Bret Hart comes out....Tony and Tenay wonder if Heenan is with them (Heenan has been AWFULLY quiet tonight.....you’d be too if you sold your soul Dillenger as a lark...only to discover that he’s legit)
-Jerry Flynn comes out....well, now we know why this show is so EVIL.
-The lock up..they go at it. It’s a scientific display rarely seen in the 90’s....IF YOUR NOT LOVING THIS, THEN YOU ARE A DUMB LOSER ARSE...90’S MARK!!!!
-err........methinks I’m being too hard...this DOES blow.
-F-IT..WE ARE ALL DUMB LOSER ARSE...90’S MARKS!!!!
-Holy CRAPOLA!!!!!! FLYNN WON!!!!!!! FLYNN WON!!!!!!!! IT’S THE SWERVE OF THE CENTURY!!!!!!!!!
-Oh of course not....stop it....I realize that some of you believe EVERYTHING I say...but come on....smarten up a little
WCW
WCW NITRO MOP UP: 12/27 - part 2
[page 3 of 9] -Jarrett interfered and hit him with a ball bat...(as opposed to flying rodent? DUUH)...although I doubt anyone could explain why Flynn deserved to look like he MIGHT have had a shot.
-Bret won..then they spraypainted his SHIRT....how lame
-I’ll say this for them...based on that chat segment they gave almost an hour ago...the NWO is generating heel heat that WCW has been SEVERELY LACKING for a while now. Throwing Steiner’s wheelchair out of the ring did the trick.
-Of course..if Steiner was still IN the chair when they did it....then they would have been given a Medal.
-Tank Abbott walked to the ring and stomped on Flynn some more....the IMP and his Horde charged....oops...no they didn’t...serves me right for making assumptions.
-commercials
-More fun with those Revolutionary Dogs at the steps of Congress....on a totally off...OFF tangent...I must say that Washington DC is perhaps the CLEANEST city I have ever been too....at least in that area where the White House is located. It’s also the FLATEST city....a Jogger’s paradise...
-Clean and Flat.....basically the exact opposite of my ex-girlfriend.
-Nash is on the cell horn (Beam me UP Scotty!!!)....talking to "Scott"...hall won’t let us down...he’ll be there.
-PG-13 comes out....for those who care
-Sir Dicks a Lot has a large, circular sign that reads "The IceMan is BACK!!"...Now why bring Bobby Drake into this? LEAVE THE MUTANTS ALONE!!!! THEY HAVE BEEN HATED AND FEARED LONG ENOUGH!!!!!
-Jeeze..talk about angles that don’t seem to die...Marvel has been running that "Kill the Muties" bit since the 60’S!!!!!! Jeeze...try something new!!!
-I mean...okay...the X-Men are supposed to represent teenagers who feel alone and isolated from the world...but dude...there was NEVER a black girl with silver hair who used the word "Goddess" as an exclamation in MY High school.
-By the way..I TOLD you Chris Claremont was returning to the X-Men. Get ready for a whole new era of confusing plots, dangling sub-plots, and stories that drag out for years and years.
-They got on the Mic and introduced themselves in rap fashion...next thing you know..they’ll be popping caps in someone’s arses in New York Nightclubs and getting their Latino girlfriends arrested because of it. (Note to Jennifer Lopez’s agent...whoprobablyaintreadingthis...get her to dump Puff Daddy NOW!!!!!)
-Rick Steiner came out with Leah Meow...Oh God..don’t let him get on the mic
-Herr Berlyn came out....
-I guess this is another Lethal Lottery thingy...whoa..what are the odds that TWO ESTABLISHED TAG TEAMS WOULD BE PARTNERED UP IN THE SAME RANDOM DRAWING???? A BILLION TO ONE?????? AMAZING!!!!!!
-Funny moment....Steiner was staring at Berlyn...obviously thinking, "What a TOOL"
-Tony announces that next week, Nitro goes BACK to two hours...8-10.....YYYYEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!
-FINALLY!!!!!!!!! MAYBE NOW I CAN REACH MY GOAL AND GET THESE COLUNMNS OUT AT A RESPECTABLE TIME!!!! LIKE FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!! BOOYA!!!!!!!!
-Tony was quick to tell us that this has NOTHING to do with RAW’s ratings juggernaut...oh no....Tony seemed to sidestep the landmine that is exactly WHY they shortened it....but it’s NOT BECAUSE OF RAW DAMMIT!!!!
-Remember a few years ago when RAW began starting at 9:00 p.m.? Tony opened up Nitro by saying "The show that CHASED the competition away!!!"...WELL WHOSE RUNNING NOW TONYBABY!!!!!! THE CHASER HAS BECOME THE CHASED!!!!!!!!!!!
-I hope Jim Ross remembers this little tidbit....or maybe a WWF guy is reading this and is able to remind Jimmy.
-Two hours will be GREAT for Nitro...Russo can really benefit from a tighter program.
-Steiner pinned someone....Berlyn walked away beforehand.....Steiner took out all his rage on the punks.....the Ref reversed his decision after witnessing Steiner’s rage....one of the PG 13 kids looked like he wrecked his knee after a bad drop on the top rope...but I could be wrong. not bloody likely, but still a possibility.
-Backstage, Saturn told Hacksaw Jim Duggan that they are partners tonight. Duggan made faces into the camera...next week, I begin my campaign to shorten Nitro to one hour...no show deserves two hours if it’s going to show Duggan making juvenile faces.
-God...I HATE making faces.....
-Hey look...here’s a WALRUS! (:=)
-Hey look...Here’s the ROCK! (<: /)
-Hey look....here’s me seeing my Mother nude for the first time! (:O)
-Hey look...here’s a really fat guy (: p)))
-Saturn has a plan involving Duggan...let’s hope it doesn’t involve condoms
-commercials
-A full year of the best moments from Nitro jammed into a 3 hour show....with 45 minutes worth of commercials......sounds about right...they’ve had a BAD year.
-More fun with the Revolution in DC...dunno, duncare
-Footage from the chaos that is Norman Smiley’s life
-The Revolution came out How the frig did they get from DC to Houston so fast?
-The deal with Asya is....she’s a single bagger....I only need one bag over her head before I do her....I can handle it if it rips
-She’s also a 40 Ouncer...I only need a bottle of Colt 45 to do her.
-I need NO bags OR alcohol to do the lovely MELA....ohhh yes
-Saturn comes out.....Shane Douglas joins the announce team.
-Hacksaw Jim Duggan comes out HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
-We see Hacksaw’s family in the building HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
-His kids are young..but cute HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
-his wife ain’t half bad either HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
-Oh God...I just realized..it looked like I just called his wife and two daughters HOOOOOOOOOOOS!!!!!
-I didn’t..I SWEAR!!!! DON’T SUE!!!!! HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
-Cute family.....wonder how much Hacksaw paid for them? HOOOOOOOOOOOO
-That wasn’t nice....NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO it wasn’t
-Obviously, it appears as if Russo is building Duggan up as WCW’s version of Mick Foley...all the clues are there.
-Too bad Hacksaw can’t write! HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
-It’s Duggan and Saturn vs Asya and Norman Smiley....never in my wildest dreams would I have picked Smiley to be the most over person in this group...but there he is. As over as Scott Steiner’s career
-Duggan started off by attacking Saturn....Vampiro would call him an "idiotOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"
-Saturn worked on Smiley a little...then Asya was tagged. Saturn told her t tag out...she didn’t...Saturn pushed her...she pushed back....Saturn pushed her by the face...she crotched him...
-COME ON PERRY!!!!!!!! SHOW THAT TROLLUP THE MEANING OF RESPECT!!!!!!! TAKE OUT THE BELT!!!!!!!! THE BELT!!!!!!!!!!!
-Of course...you realize who Asya is being groomed as WCW’s version of right?
-That’s right...Pat Patterson.
-Asya gave Saturn a superplex...then she tagged Norman...who lied on top of him and scored the pin.
-Then Asya attacked Smiley
-Then Duggan cleaned house with a hunk of wood.
-Then his family ran into the ring....the moron hit THEM with the wood HOOOOOOOOOOOOO
-To be fair..he thought that he was being attacked by the Moondogs HOOOOOOOOOOO
-Kidman is backstage....responding to all the naysayers who claimed that he couldn’t walk and drink water at the same time...he spilled the water....alas.
-Jarrett is walking too...he wasn’t going to try the water trick....better to be safe than embarrassed.
-Souled Out is coming...after three LOOONG years...."Heroes of Wrestling" FINALLY replaced the first Souled Out as the WORSE PPV DISASTER OF ALL TIME!!!!
-of course...this is based solely on WRESTLING PPV’S...I can think of MORE than a few Tyson PPV’s that could give either show a run for it’s money.
-commercials
-Kidman comes out.....Juventud Guerrera ran out briefly and yelled, "WHOSE GONNA GET KIDMAN???" then ran away...(too vague? Maybe...but I liked it anyway)
-hey...el hora tres arrived
-Jeffy Jarretty came out. Tony says that having Jarrett and Benoit wrestle three times on one card is a NEVER BEFORE SEEN BIT OF WRESTLING CREATIVITY!!!!!!
-Apparently, Tony wasn’t around to see Michael Hayes send out the Great Kabuki to work FOUR CONSECUTIVE MATCHES AT THE DAVID VON ERICH MEMORIAL CARD IN TEXAS STADIUM!!!!!!!! Kabuki lasted past three guys....then was beaten...I don’t know the specifics...mostly because I was 15 years old.....in my basement....on Saturday morning...alone....enjoying the mysteries and joys of the little talked about thing us guys like to call "Morning Wood"
-The thought of "Sunshine" still pops my wad.
-Jarrett attacks Kidman.....oh Crap.....now my wad is popping...I feel so gay.
-Jarrett looks GOOD in that tank top....slurp...
-DAMMIT!!! GO DOWN.....DOWN BOY!!!!
-Basically, the best offense Kidman could come up with is a few last second kick outs...other than that, Jarrett was in control
-Nash came out to help...hardly necessary
-Jarrett put Kidman in a sleeperhold....A SLEEPHOLD??????? OH COME ON!!!!!
-Wait..that ain’t no SLEEPERHOLD!!! That’s a WEAVERLOCK!!!!!!!!! MY GOD!!! WE HAVEN’T SEEN THAT SINCE DUSTY WAS FEUDING WITH HIRO MATSOMOTO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Oh..wait..it IS a sleeperhold.....my apologies
-Kidman fought back and managed to mount an offense....which is...like..the total opposite of the effect a Sleeperhold is supposed to have?
-Los Animales Muy Messio ran out...Nash attacked Konan with a chair....GOD BLESS NASH!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU BIG SEXY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Meanwhile, Rey Rey hit Jarrett with his crutch....Kidman rolled him up...Jarrett STILL kicked out.
-Kidman mounted the top rope...Nash hit him in the ankle...Jarrett hit him with "The Stroke" and won it..
-Good match...AND I lost the boner.....so it’s an added plus.
-Then the NWO cleaned house and a little spraypainting took place. JUST YOU WAIT UNTIL HULK HOGAN RETURNS!!! THEN WE’LL SEE A LITTLE JUSTICE!!!!!! IF YOU HURT HIS FRIENDS, YOU HURT HIS PRIDE......HE’S GOTTA BE A MAN...HE CAN’T LET IT SLIDE!!! HE IS A REAL AMERICAN...FIGHT FOR THE RIGHTS OF EVERY MAN!!! HE IS A REAL AMERICAN!!! FIGHT FOR WHAT’S RIGHT!! FIGHT FOR HIS LIIIIIIIFE!
-commercials
-Mean Gene Okerlund is in the ring....we ALMOST made it without him...F&^$
-Luger came out dressed like Sting....Liz came out dressed as a 25 year old...you would have to flip a coin to decide which was more offensive.
-Luger hit the ring and jumped around like Sting does...he looked funny enough
-He got on the stic and talked as Sting..."Look Gene, the Total package just...annihilated me....the Total Package just...kicked my a$$" (a-hem...Bischoff’s plan of keeping him inactive for 18 months accomplished that WAAAAAAY before Lexy could)
-Then he howled...Okerlund, "These people aren’t going to buy this...LEX LUGER!" (Jesus, Gene...way to point out the OBVIOUS!!!!!!!!!!)
-Luger kept it up...it was cool...Luger is now cool....never saw THAT one coming.
-Tony hyped Lizzy up as a threat....(well yeah...to any Miniskirt she wears...those things are in MUCHO danger of being stretched out)
-Luger called himself and Elizabeth the "greatest combination in sports today" WHAT??? OH I THINK...I THINK...I THINK.....oh I don’t know, I THINK (insert two sports guys who work together in a amusing way here) WOULD HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY ABOUT THAT!!!!!!
-Then the lights dimmed....THANK GOD they kept the Nitro logo on the corner...or millions of nitwits would have thought their televisions went on the blink.
-The lights went back on.....Gene was gone and a ring of black roses were left in the ring....Luger looked up in the rafters....I’d put an Owen joke in here..but I doubt it would make the cut....probably for the best.
-Y’know.....Okerlund being turned into a pile of black roses somehow makes sense...in it’s own, unexplainable way.
-commercials
-Nash is horn the cell on (reverse the proper words and it makes sense) telling Scott to haul arse.
-Fit Finlay took on Meng...no he didn’t...he TAGGED with Meng to fight...
-noo...he started FIGHTING with Finlay....should’a stuck with my instincts...
-nooo...they are SUPPOSED to tag against the Harris Boys...they just killed time while waiting for them.
-Now we ALL know that the Harris Boys USED to be Creative Control...but they ain’t anymore....I can only assume this change occurred during Thunder (Ron and Don...somehow, more gay than being called "Gerald and Pat")....yet, since only Jeff Lyles watches Thunder...many a fan must be awfully confused.
-That Lyles kid has been recapping Thunder for SCOOPS almost as long as I’ve been doing the Mop-Ups....Amazing. I would have stuck my head in an oven if our roles were reversed...way to go Kiddo! Of course, I never READ Lyles column...but I can still give him some props.
-The Harris Boys won after Meng and Finlay kept fighting and were counted out. Easy night for them.
-Where the Fudge is Russo anyway?
-Meng and Finlay kept fighting
-Then the lights went out....a shade of blue cascaded upon yonder ring
-Lights went back up...the Harris twins acted like they were in pain. What’s Glacier’s problem with them anyway?
-Backstage, David Flair and whatshername are playing psycho...and doing a damn good job of it too.
-commercials
-In the ring....Evan Karagias’s new gimmick makes it’s Nitro debut...it’s a Backstreet Boys/In Synch gimmick known as "3 Count"......which in reality, is NOT a bad idea. It’ll make the mostly male audience want to kill them.
-So, after BADLY reading off the cue cards and telling how they are going to "drop our girlfriend’s skank off the curb"...and how we all have small peckers......
-They start grooving.....Tenay and Tony register their disgust...old farts
-They play the official 3 Count video...where kyron tells us that their names are Evan Shannon, and Shane......wait a second...
-....................................
-........................................
-.....................................
-Evan....Shane...and Shannon?
-Shane...and Shannon
-(that sound you hear is my synapses firing off...a connection is being made here)
-Shane...Shannon
-Two of the members of this femmy band are named Shane and Shannon?
-SHANE, SHANNON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAA...AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH
-THERE IS A GOD!!!!!!!!!! OH YES, OH YES, OH YES!!!!!!! THANK YOU RUSSO THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-THIS IS THE BEST FU&\\%$@! NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-BOOOOYAAAAAAAA THIS IS THE BEST!!!!!! THE ABSOLUTE BEST!!!!!!!!!
-You think....you think he saw that and KNEW what was coming?
-Oh..what I can DO with this..oh what FUN I’m going to have!!!!!
-or..maybe not..why beat a long dead horse?
-on another note...for those who wondered whatever happened to the "Nuno" guy from "Extreme"..there you have it.
-Tenay apologized the Skynard guy and the ZZ Top guy for having to witness this...I’m sure they were too drunk to notice. hell, they still haven’t noticed that they missed the RAW show by one week.
-Vampiro came out and cleaned house..then he stopped and jawed with Karagias for some reason.
-Tenay told us that they are partners in the Lottery thing...
-Meanwhile, David Flair came out with his new prize
-The Maestro came out with his little enchilada
-But HE was attacked by some guy with a BIG nose. Tony said that HE was the guy we ALL saw at the Filling station on Thunder.....(say whaa? Oh come ON now..let’s be serious...NOBODY SAW THIS!!!)
-Tenay said that his name was "Crowbar"...
-Vampiro is the only guy here who I like..so I’m cheering for him.
-With the Maestro out...Crowbar replaced him.
-Y’know...if this was a year ago..and we all traveled to the future and flipped on Nitro tonight..right now....we would have absolutely no friggin’ clue who anyone in that ring was.
-After some shenanigans of an illegal sort involving a tire iron (which sums up almost my entire relationship with my Dad...by the way) David ended up pinning Vampiro. Vampiro loses ALL the time now.
-Then the 3 Count do another dance...Flair and his partner nail them with the Irons.
-Then Flair’s babe practically rapes him in the middle of the ring.....any more graphic, and we’ll have prime pud pulling material
-...aw...who am I kidding? Next commercial break I’m gonna ankle my knickers and get busy
-Then two guys in suits with a babe come out and announce that they are "Standards and Practices" and this type of content will NOT be tolerated! They took a pair of crowbars too. The babe hopped out of there..
-It took three viewings to recognize them as Lodi and Lenny Lane....
-well tickle my nuts and call me Precious.....David’s psycho gimmick is WORKING
-His old man’s legacy is as washed up as Richard Grieco’s career....but the gimmick is WORKING!!!
-The best part of this segment? SHANE & SHANNON!!!!!!!!!!
-Oh...how totally awesome...Russo might have gimmicked this STRICTLY for me!
-In the Locker room....Nash is assuring his new partners that Scott WILL be there.
-Disco Inferno comes out.
-Big Vito comes out with Tony Marinara and Johnny Da Bull.
-Kanyon comes out with the same group of people he came out with earlier
-Buff Bagwell came out.
-It’s Kanyon and Bagwell vs Vito and DINF..
-Goofus calls this a waste of time
-Gallant calls this wrestling action that any self respecting fan should sit back and enjoy!
-Goofus thinks Kanyon is fugly and dumb
-Gallant thinks Kanyon is a legit talent who deserves a push
-Goofus thinks the DINF/Mob angle is completely asinine
-Gallant thinks it’s a splendid take-off on unfair Italian American stereotypes
-Goofus thinks Bagwell packs the fudge
-Gallant thinks that Bagwell should be commended for making such a stellar comeback from life threatening injuries..and his personal choices are nobody’s business but his own.
-Goofus wants to bail out.
-Gallant wants to properly recap this and give it it’s due attention
-Goofus shoves a coked up Ferret up Gallant’s arse and screams "GIVE THIS SOME ATTENTION YA’ LITTLE FAIRY!!!!!!!!!!"
-Bagwell won the thing...DINF was forced to beat him up afterwards....Goofus is in full control..I must move on.
-ironic side note: What I just wrote took longer than the actual match.
-Nash is walking backstage with a bat.
-earlier tonight, Sid’s car was re-decorated.
-Kevin Nash came out with his band...no Hall
-Nash is on the mic and said that Scott has NOT arrived yet....so he asked WCW to give him a few more minutes...
-No dice....The Wall came out (oh come on now....IN THE MAIN EVENT???)
-Sid came out..now THAT makes a bit more sense.
-Nash stalls....come onnnn Scotty!!!!!!
-No dice......Nash works alone....but Jarrett and Bret stick around to help
-The WALL??????? COME ON!!!!!!!!!!
-It goes a while....if you’re anything like me, you can’t fully enjoy this match because your head is too boggled by seeing the WALL in the main event!!
-Finally, Scott Steiner comes out!! GO GET THEM SCOTT!!!!!!! ONE LAST HOUSE CLEANING TO SEND YOU OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Steiner has a ball bat......KNOCK THAT CANADIAN GREASEBALL OUT OF THE PARK!!!!!!!!!!
-Steiner takes the bat and WHACKS SID!!!!!!!!! WHAT??????
-Steiner takes off his back brace.....and his shirt!!! He has an NWO SHIRT UNDERNEATH!!!!!!!! IT’S THE SWERVE OF THE CENTURY!!!!!!!!!!! HE’S TOTALLY HEALTHY AND COMPLETELY HEELED!!! IT WAS A SCAM!!!!!!
-well.. I wasn’t fooled...and kudos to Al for playing along.....bravo!!!!
-argh...we wuz worked.....DAMMIT!!!!
-The show ends....
Question: Why work the Internet when guys like Madden claim that the net makes up only 5\\% of the audience?
Answer: Because guys who try to downplay the Internet usually are the ones who have Hotline reports and who make money off them. The future is now and they are scared to DEATH!
The Internet is MUCH larger than 5\\% of the audience....think of all those signs on RAW that said, "RAW IS JERICHO" before he even signed the contract. I’d venture to say it makes up at LEAST 25\\%
SUCKERS!!! Those ridiculous Hotlines are about to go the way of the Dinosaur....why do YOU think the WWF dropped the concept in favor of the Web?
Good show..I liked it..in a weird way.
Okay...with my fingers DEEPLY crossed, we are going to do the same thing this week as I tried to do last week. Read the Nitro recap today and grab the RAW recap tomorrow...hopefully, it’ll be posted tomorrow....oh Lord..I hope so.
In the RAW recap...expect plenty of stuff....I still have some more old material to bring back.....including a Carnac rip off that is a personal fave of MINE.
And the Closer..which’ll be worth the wait.
And I’ll try to get in some Patterson stuff...nothing hardcore....just light and bouncy..much like the man himself.
Check with you tomorrow...(at least I hope so)
This is Hyatte.